It was a no-brainer…I booked myself a ticket to Hawaii for the summer in response to a temporary job offer.
My dear friend and coauthor, Keti, had it all set up:
- a place to stay in exchange for weeding the garden,
- a car to drive,
- opportunities to sell our book at a popular hotel,
- and much more.
The details confirming the job still weren’t completely settled before my flight took off. I found myself in my inner garden asking about this trip and if I should still go. I heard, “Yes.” So I put myself in a place of trusting that this job would work out and my expenses for airfare, food, and such while in Hawaii would be recouped and I would come home with extra cash. I went to Hawaii on faith from inner garden wisdom.
When I arrived, I was informed the job offer had vaporized.
Not to worry though, I still had faith that I was in Hawaii for a good reason even though I didn’t know what that was. My faith was strong. I am a believer in creating my own reality and I’ve been practicing this idea of not minding what happens (written by Jiddu Krishnamurti), strengthening my resolve to keep the faith and to trust what is (and not resist what is).
I had lived in Hawaii for eight years, started my family there, was married and divorced there. It is the place where Mana Gardening was born. This trip was the first time back after the divorce was finalized six years ago.
Interestingly, even though I felt grateful for the accommodations and car and opportunities, I was not super excited about this trip. In fact, I felt neutral to slightly off, which is odd because Hawaii is so incredibly beautiful and normally I would be thrilled to go to Hawaii!
Then I found out why I had not felt excited like I thought I should.
The night of my arrival in Hawaii, I found myself in the same room where I stayed when my husband and I were separated, at Keti’s house. As soon as I stepped foot into that room, I felt uneasy about it. I decided to focus on being grateful, rather than acknowledging the uneasiness.
The next morning while sitting on her porch looking out over the gorgeous jagged peaks of the Ko’olau mountain range, there was no denying the feelings that came up. I remembered all the pain I had experienced, all the tears, the rejection, the disappointment I had experienced several years prior. Tears started flowing and I allowed them to do just that, not resisting them in any way.
After a few minutes of crying, the emotions suddenly subsided. A light rain fell and shortly afterwards a rainbow appeared to welcome me back to the island. My emotions quickly shifted from sadness back to gratefulness as I witnessed the beauty surrounding me.
This place, this island in Hawaii is where much began for me. My marriage began here overlooking the gorgeous Kaneohe Bay, both my kids were made and born here. This is also the place where I experienced the deepest pain of my life as I went through the divorce. This is where I opened up to Kirtan as a melodic, devotional and prayerful way to let go of the darkness and focus on the light.
This is where the priceless makana (gift in Hawaiian) of Mana Gardening came to me. This is where I was introduced, by Master Shen, to the native Hawaiian method of using the inner garden as a place of respite, relaxation, creation and as a way to access my inner guidance for the first time ever. Now I am back in Hawaii at the same exact places where all my pain was felt so deeply.
The next day, I had an interview at a temp agency. Ironically enough, the temp agency was in the same building as the biotech company I had worked for when I lived here 6 years ago. Just seeing that place brought up a whole slew of emotions as I remembered all the times I went down the elevator holding back tears until I got in my car and could let them flow in private. I don’t know how many times I went into that parking garage and locked myself in my car and just cried about losing my idea of family. Those emotions came pouring forth once again as tears welled up and flowed down my face.
The next morning at 6 AM, while driving towards the north shore to go surfing I had to ask myself Why on Earth am I not happy?
I felt there were plenty of reasons to be incredibly happy, yet there was sadness in the background. I could not find my joy.
Suddenly I remembered all the times I drove to the north shore to go surfing by myself when in actuality all I had wanted was a family beach day where we all ride to the north shore together, parents take turns surfing, we have a picnic and everyone gets to enjoy their day and be together playing in the waves and digging holes in the sand and such. That was something I very rarely got to experience.
I stopped on the side of the road and felt those emotions for little while. Then I closed my eyes for a moment and entered my inner garden to give myself some peace. I asked myself, What do I need to know from this?
The answer that was provided to me was so beautiful, and so valuable, as always.
My inner wisdom said, Notice all the love.
I realized I had been feeling the pain, the sadness and the the weight of all of the things I dreamed about that never happened. Yet if I take the time to notice all the love, I can start to change my vibration and come to a place that feels happier and more in alignment with my true nature (which is love).
Because pain and love stand side-by-side, if we experience emotional pain, it is because we love so deeply.
I then focused on how much I loved my family and how I didn’t take my pain out on them during those years. I would never have experienced so much pain if I had not love so much.
I focused on how Mana Gardening was the answer to my prayers for tapping into inner wisdom and receiving guidance for my life. I could never have navigated divorce and all those decisions without Mana Gardening. I would have allowed others’ ideas to influence my decisions, not knowing what it was I truly wanted. I was able to make those important decisions in the best interest of myself and my family. I was able to give myself love and nurturing through the divorce with Mana Gardening. I felt deeply thankful for this gift in my life and for the opportunity to share it far and wide (through our book, workshops, trainings, etc).
I was grateful for Kirtan and my Fire Tribe Hawaii friends who I experienced deep connections with time after time. Grateful for friends, for Master Shen, for the ‘Aina of Hawaii and the mana I get to experience daily in my life. Grateful for the lifestyle I now have where I get to be full-on parent, then a parent with free time! (50/50 custody is what the inner garden revealed was my happiest option when navigating the divorce proceedings, and that is what I have and enjoy to the hilt!) Appreciative of the stunning beauty that surrounded me. This land, this ‘Aina is my friend, my very dear friend.
With this I felt I had come full circle. As if the cycle had come to its completion. From deep grief, sadness and pain back to LOVE, VALUE and APPRECIATION.
Time and time again, and without fail, the inner garden guides us all to focus on positivity, offering us a way to love ourselves continuously, and see our value and worth.
I am incredibly blessed to have been given this gift of Mana Gardening. Get the book and try it for yourself. It is an easy, fast and fun way to connect to the infinite wisdom that lies within. You’ll feel yourself as empowered to live and love. If books aren’t your thing, try a class or set up a series of sessions with me or Keti. We will be doing podcasts shortly and hope to have an audio book out soon as well. Our mission is to serve our fellow Earthlings, so reach out if you are called.
Many Blessings and Warm Aloha on your Journey!